lately, i am obsessed with centralia, pennsylvania. i can't stop reading about it; from what i've gathered, in the 1960s a mine fire was started accidentally and it is still burning. and it'll keep burning for the next 250 years. smoke pours out of cemetaries and hillsides, the ground has erupted, there are tons of vents emitting noxious gasses into the air, sinkholes abound and threaten those who tresspass. about 4 people still live in the tiny town, but it appears a virtual ghost town and the zip code no longer exists, because centralia is "municipalis non grata."

there is a documentary about the town, which is in my netflix queue. sometimes, when i should be doing homework, i just think "centralia is still on fucking fire. seriously!" i am going to go there and see this shit first hand. someday soon. i think it'd be a lovely honeymoon destination for newlyweds and will recommend this to my sister when she tells me that she and her boyfriend are going to get married.

i cannot believe i have only lived here for 20 days, as it feels like many, many more. tonight the weather is sooooo cold, but apparently only 58 degrees. it is windy and wild and feels like fall.

my parents visited me yesterday, which was nice and only a little stressful. i have so much homework to do, it is unreal. classes have been challenging and rewarding; i think i will like school a lot.

i still feel isolated. and kinda alien. but, i know this will go away as i find more and more of my kind of people, more kindred spirits.

on the plus side, i ate two of my favorite junk foods today (pop-tarts and frozen waffles) and they both cheered me up. nothing like junk food in between hundreds and hundreds of pages read to make a day fly by.

i've been reading hundreds of pages about intimate partner violence and ohmigawd, it's so overwhelming. and i got so worked up about how we rely on the law and legal matters as solutions to end this violence when the laws and the state and soceital perpetuations of patriarchal terrorism are culpable?! oh, i am dizzy.

i am nervous/excited about all my classes, the class i have been reading for (advanced topics in domestic violence) is going to kick my ass. it will force me to re-visit all of the intense stuff i used to do when i volunteered at middle way. so far, reading all about it feels phony, like i should be out there using my strengths to stop this shit.

in other news, i met my patients today at the cfp. i'll be working on individual therpay with two men, neither of whom committed particularly violent offenses. they are pretty good and i look forward to working with them and tackling areas of dual diagnosis and symptom management. i also talked on the phone with one of their sisters today and that was exciting and we set up times for family therapy. i think i will like family therapy!

reading about violence makes me think about all the violent times in my life. like when i got into fistfights in middle school all the time. or the misogynist high school boyfriend i had that attempted to psychologically abuse me. and for some reason, i can't stop thinking about the time when i was 20 that my male friend held me down and paid his friend to hit me while i kept screaming and begging for him to stop. i hate that guy.

so, i made it through my first week of classes successfullly! as in, i am here and ready for the next week.

tomorrow at the center for forensic psychiatry (CFP), i will meet my supervisor, whom is a social worker named cindy. this will be a welcome change from following my super-dupervisor around and i will feel more guided, directed and pertinent. i'm excited to see where my work will go as an intern here.

all five of my classes are going to be awesome and challenging in different ways. some will be emotionally trying, others will stretch me academically and intelectually, which will be nice. while doing homework this weekend, i've been pondering how complacent i became about social work and social justice while not in school. i hope that i have learned that lesson and can avoid this in my future.

the past few hours i have been reflecting on how society, and more importantly, me, individually, supports a pro-racist ideology. this has been intellectually and emotionally draining. but, i'm rejuvinated and my mind is racing with all the ways i can grow and change and employ my personal beliefs into my practice as a social worker.

this has been a really long weekend, and not just because of labor day.

i started friday with final orientation and getting my student ID. the picture is ugly and i love it. also a friend from bloomington came to visit and that made me feel good.

saturday was shopping madness and football madness. i went to ikea to avoid the craziness of football fans and spent hours there marveling at swedish design and imagining a home i will never have. it feels good to not want things.

sunday my newest friend, cookie, invited me to a show/party where her band played and i was wowed by her amazing skills as she drummed like an animal. but a beautiful, wild, femme animal. rhinestones were blazing!

today was GayzCraze where tons of student activities organizations try to give you starburst in exchange for yr e-mail address on their mailing list so that you can be a member of... well, lots of different clubs. my favorite part is that the lgbtq student support center just changed their name to spectrum. and their t-shirts have unicorns on them!!! watched area drag king troupe perform some boy band numbers. it was fun. i am just really looking forward to work and school to start to begin a routine life here.

in the meantime, tv has become my friend. mythbusters is my favorite show. those people are wild.

i am trying to ignore my isolation by organizing my kitchen stuffs. i have too much stuff.

i am not looking forward to this weekend when umich has a football game and everything gets crazy... my crazy partying neighbors keep me up all night anyway.

i hope that when i read this three months from now, i think that i am silly for feeling so lonely and scared at the beginning of all this.

i guess i do now.


( to read tons of details, click here )

for my last weekend in bloomington i have some plans:

friday night, i will be appearing at the boxcar grand opening in their new space! props to my peeps, the space kicks ass! for all of you that have not been yet, go go go! you'll love it!

saturday, going away party at justin's house. 8pm. be there or be square. right.

if anyone needs my updated contact info, message me and you'll get my new address and phone number.

i am moving out of bloomington in two weeks!!! this means everything is crashing down to some ending, which is somewhat comforting. i have one week left of work and i am about as unmotivated as they come. training my replacement has been freeing. and validating. it reminds me how significant my job is. that also comforts me.

i am rushing around, scheduling everything and have been enjoying this in-between time living at my sweetheart's apartment, where i don't have many posessions. i do live with both our cats and that is super fun.

i feel a lot of nervous energy about school and my pracitcum. of course, i am terribly stressed about money and managing that crap. i can't remember what my apartment in ann arbor looks like...
otherwise, i feel suprisingly great.

in about nine days, my sweetheart comes back from central america and i could not be more thrilled to see him! i miss physical touch a lot and his are some of the best a lady can find.

i am hoping that these next few weeks are as smooth as possible.

this saturday, i am having a yard sale! i have never had one, so i'm really excited and nervous. i'm also embarassed to tell my friends and people i know, because i'm not selling anything good. i mean, i'm keeping my good stuff. but, i thought i should talk about it on here and probably post it on myspace.com anyway. all of my friends that have had yard sales on my porch in the past have had a lot of success. so it bodes well for me.

in other news, i have 19 work days left. i have started termination with some of my clients. one started crying and that totally shocked me. i feel unbelivably uninvested in my job. it's kinda freeing.

it's getting closer to leaving and i need to cash in on bloomington friend time. seriously.

i've been slowly packing up crap that i won't need for a month, but now it's less than a month and i feel overwhelmed by this task. i can't believe that i will move all my crap out on july 25th. that's my target date, july 25th, so that i have 6 days to really clean, like deep clean, seven years of crud.

i'm not even getting wrapped up in nostalgia or other emotional set backs, i am just having a hard time visualizing the physical task of everything i own being in a box in my parents' garage for a month, while i live out of bags at my sweetheart's apartment. nuts to moving!

p.s. i am still super checked out at work (with 29 work days to go), and seem to be checking out more every day. a client today begged for money from his account, as if he were sure i would say no and i just said, "how much do you need?" and then we both started laughing. nuts to managing other people's monies!!

i haven't been up to much of anything, but i have been filling up my time with friend-dates and that has been really nice. i'm glad that all my work friends are taking good care of me while my sweetheart is away. it's hard to get used to no one respecting yr princess status!
heath understands and tries his best - he and his boyfriend bought me dinner on friday. sweeties!

in other news, i went to a wedding last night! chlez looked SO beautiful and femminine! not her typical look, but she wears it super well! just gorgeous!

as of july 25th, i will be credit card debt free!! that is insanity, and i am so relieved. now, i just have to confront the $500 worth of doctor's bills; for two visits to doctors. one for a physical, where nothing happened, i wasn't even weighed. and one for a dermatologist. seriously, i only went to the appointments because i got health insurance and thought it would be wise. but, apparently, my insurance doesn't cover office visits until you've paid in to a $500 deductible! i had no idea, or i would not have wasted my time. but, i've just started getting bills from these two office visits in december. ugh.

today is the day of confronting a filing cabinet *full* of crap. i plan on watching gilmore girls while i sort. seriously, lorelai and rory just take the pain away.

also, cats have been in sweet cuddle mode and it makes me puke my pants. i love those silly goofs.

today, i go back to work after my vacation at home. the heat is miserable lately. i feel like i am melting all the time. and i have sunburn from being outside for about 10 minutes!

i only have 49 days left of my job before i move. that's amazing!!!

i feel pretty detached from work and a set-schedule with this three day weekend. and then i am taking a week off to use up my PTO (which just disappears once your put yr notice in) and spend some time with my escort before he leaves for guatemala for two months.

maybe it's needless to say, but i am bummed out at the prospect of his absence all summer long, especially because it's the last summer prior to my big move up north.

i signed a lease for a really cute apartment, which i cannot afford. it's upstairs of this old house in the historic district of ann arbor and i'm sure i will feel good in my surroundings.

leaving bloomington is still totally a surreal idea. sometimes it hits me pretty hard and i feel super sad. it feels impossible to move out of this house (which i've live in since 2001) and out of this town (which i've lived in since 1998) and this out of this state (which i have always lived in). and then i feel totally overwhelmed with panic about how on earth to do these things, even thought i know i will just do them and that is that. but this is progress, eh?

i love birthdays, i think they are one of the best things ever! and not just mine, because i am vain or ego-centric, but everybody's birthday is amazing! to celebrate my birthday, i got a french manicure last night and i woke alone to play with my cat. it's going to be an awesome fucking day.

i just got back from ann arbor. i went for this spring open house the school of social work put on... it was alright! i got the impression that the school is super dedicated and thoroughly committed to its students and wants us all to succeed and everything. it was nice to get that from the faculty and staff there.

in other highlights, the weather in ann arbor sucked, which made it hard to be in the best mood all day long. but, i got to hang out with cookie (the one and only lady i know in a2) and she gave me the dirt.

now i am on the prowl for an apartment. rent is high up there! like, $850 for one bedrooms. eeeek!

all of this just plays into my anxiety of "ohmigawd-this-is-really-happening-and-i-am-leaving-my-home-to-go-to-michigan." the least i can say is i am optimistic about my education.

all of this also makes me want to take a nap.

i just got back from dillon and i's vacation to the east coast. the whole time i was gone, i was inserting myself into each and every moment, to make it last longer, but i still had that time-is-going-too-fast/time-moves-slowly experience. that crapg gets me everyday.

highlights from vacay include, but are not limited to:
> luxurious fucking beds with tons of pillows
> dillon's friends in DC
> SO MUCH vegan food
> walking around cities, my fave!
> miley cyrus's new single
> museums, museums, museums!
> babies in jars
> good friend calling with news of pregnancy
> taking 150 pictures
> listening to embarassing music with dillon
> tour of prison

wow. maybe i will learn how to upload pics and include some in a post soon.

now, i am avoiding cleaning my house, but i am slowly unpacking and doing laundry and picking shit up. i don't wanna go back to work monday.

y'all, i got accepted to university of michigan school of social work!!! fuck yes!!!
so, while penn is this awesome dream of living in philadelphia realized, i'd really like to be closer to indiana and there's nothing shabby about attending the number one program for social work in the nation!

now all of my anxiety about "where will i live in six months?!" is gone! school starts at the end of august, so now is the time to seriously get sentimental about my last five and half months in bloomington. damn!

yesterday at work i had a really upsetting and truly frightening experience with a client. it was totally unexpected, which is probably why it scared me so much. so, i wanted to reflect here and talk about it to think more deeply and maybe learn.

( here's the really lengthy story and crap... )

i kept wanting to update and post and nothing would come to mind except that everything is the same or mundane. with all that said, i'm posting today with things that are overwhelming my brain.

i still have not heard from university of michigan, which stresses me out because i'm supposed to let Penn know that i am coming before february is over... which means, i really need to hear about michigan asap. i'm keeping everything crossed, because if michigan accepts me, i will go there.

dillon and i just decided to go east coast for his spring break and my vacation from work! i'm super excited and already planning what we can see, where we can eat and where we can stay in philadelphia, baltimore and DC. YAY!

work continues to try to destroy my soul, but most of the time i won't let it. i feel unprofessionally attached to a few clients. well, maybe just two, but i really have to watch my boundaries with them, because i feel like i am their care taker. but i am not.

everything else is great. i had the best valentine's day ever; my escort was a fantastic valentine. and i am patiently also awaiting the fat tax refund check that will be directly deposited soon.

also, i keep listening to dragonforce. it's important.